But I’ve been here before, ‘fore, ‘fore…

…So hit me when I’m sore, I’m sore..

There are things that hurt us and… that we cannot forgive. Not ourselves, not the person. It seems like it happened to us yesterday. When the line was crossed. The line of my comfort. The line when I understand that violence has been used against me. And it is very sad, because now it is difficult for me to complain to anyone except myself. There are people who provide support, but this is not what I need. I need what was “Before” but I ask myself “for what?”. When, in fact, was the moment when comfort was lost? And is it possible to get anything back in this plane at all? I don’t think so. You can learn to live with a person in the sense of interaction throughout life, but the fear of living together is unlikely to disappear from you. That is why there are things that are the very “last straw”. beyond which you do not see a chance. You do not see the light. So is it worth enduring what is, for the sake of the comfort that you are used to? And what exactly is your comfort if your heart is not at peace?..

Divorce is a difficult step, especially for me. Especially after so many years. But I ask myself – what will it give to stay in marriage, except for the same cage that was before?

I am unlikely to ever get used to this smell of the house and to it, although in childhood it was the smell of peace. Love. Silence. I loved my grandmother very much. Now it is the smell of loneliness. A place where only you are left. Alone with yourself. It is like that. And I do not know what exactly I am paying this price for.

I am lonely, but at the same time I do not want to see anyone, hear anyone, interact. All my creativity has remained in that house. My whole life for the last three years except for those things that are necessary for work. Now I want to sleep, which I will probably do…